The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
