Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
