worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
