is wine microwaveable?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
