I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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