i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
