I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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