Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
