i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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