Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
