The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
