Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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