The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
