I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
