I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
