Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Someone shit on the floor
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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