happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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