so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
