awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
