she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
