I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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