see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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