i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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