y did u give ur computer a hand job?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
