i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They took my balls.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
