Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
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My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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