the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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