I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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