Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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