The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
