I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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