Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
