Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
