I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
