There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
