I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
soo... how was my night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
