remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
