oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
