The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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