Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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