I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What a dumb baby whore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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