On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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