saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
