Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
