Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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