How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
