If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
