matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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