I just pynch a tree in the face
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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