pop tarts are not kleenex
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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