My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
