I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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