so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
