We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
