Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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