she was so not down for the gang bang
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When did angry sex become our thing?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
