i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
