Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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