in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
